File: 20 Aug, 2011
It has ended, but I am still believing on miracles.
Although it is just a short time, I am still appreciate it.
Issue remains, fight for it.
I can't claim that I am the unluckiest person on this world.
Now, I have to start over again.
Recent, I just found that my relationship has just ended.
That person said: "You was my lover, but you are my friend now".
I am not able to accept this, but why?
I have contributed so much and what I have been repaid was this?
Whatever reason I have been given, I could only accept it.
But why don't people accept mine?
I have broke down, called my best buddy.
Cried on the phone like a big baby, unluckily the phone dropped due to no credits.
This makes me cry even longer and louder, but why? LOL?
I have to move on, now for another.
I guess I am mentally and emotional ill now.
And also attempted to commit suicide.
In the end, I have not done anything stupid.
Because I just realized that I am just fine.
I still have a lot of things to do.
Now my greatest fear, my eldest sister.
Why my sister? Because I have lost the camera which I've lent from her.
It disappear in the thin air without any reason.
I left it in my bag, and it was gone on the next day.
I was thinking that I have been haunted, or cursed.
Why would a camera will be disappear in a sudden?
I don't think people mugged my bag, because no one even near to it.
Hope my sister will not find out this issue within 7 days.
Because I am trying to replace it. How am I able to replace it?
I found myself lucky, because I have met a new friend which is able to lend me money.
To replace the lost camera, I thank lord for these opportunity.
Lord, please do bless for me that my sister do not find out the camera has lost.
Thank you dear friend.
Why I am fear? Now you readers have the chance to know my background.
When I was young, I don't have any love from the family.
Yet, my dad always beat me when I did things wrong.
And also, he always kick me out from the house when argue when little older.
We did mistakes when we are little. Like steal money, being stupid, and did things wrong.
Why steal money? Because I don't get what I want when I request nicely.
They just don't fulfill my request, so I've learnt to steal from others.
In the end, I have been beaten up by my father when I got caught.
This is just between me and my father, how about others?
Here is the part which related with my eldest brother.
I have not been stealing from others by then.
I've learned about "borrow", this is much more better than "steal"
Is it related to my brother? Yes it is.
Long ago, my classmates came to my house to get what I've borrowed.
I found the borrowed item has gone, and found nothing in the house.
Then, my eldest brother slapped me in front of my classmates.
Shocked? Yeah, they have shocked.
2 years back, I saw my classmates from my hometown when I visited there.
They said: "Do you remember the time when I was outside your house?"
"Your brother slapped you, that scares me." he continued.
I am not sure what kind of expression I should put on my face.
Now, it's my eldest sister.
My eldest brother and eldest sister will raise their voice on me when I do things wrong.
It is not my fault being innocent, not well-known or stupid!
People do have their weakness and first time.
You guys have the responsibility.
If you guys don't, who should I blame the responsibility on?
My dearest Father and Mother? Because they've born me?
It doesn't make sense!
Both of my eldest sister and eldest brother has left the home.
Because my father kicked them out from the house.
It's not because of me, it's just my dad's craziness.
And they were argued, and being kicked out.
Last, my second brother.
Why him? Because he does get what he wants whenever he requested from my dad.
I found out that my dad cares about my second brother the most, he has the priority.
I have started to feel tiny and disappointed, like a decoration.
Sometimes we do fight for things, but I always lose.
Because my brother is much more stronger than me.
I feel like I am a loser in the house.
Nothing bad with me and my second sister.
Because we just do argue like childish little fellow.
Now and forever, I am quite fear about my family.
I have to pretend, PRETEND, PRETEND AND PRETEND!
I have to pretend everything is normal to get a fine day.
I feel like I am ill, crazy, mentally sick or what-so-ever.
I am afraid when people raise their voice, or bad attitude!
Why? Because what I have faced since when I was young?
I am being open minded, but I'm still not able to get through it or being accepted.
I don't have a normal life like other people do.
I just want a normal life, why I just can't get it?
Karma, guess so.
I found myself very fake since from I understand my situation.
Why am I able to smile in front of others?
Like in front of my friends, colleagues or people I don't even know?
I hated to put a sad face in front of other, because people will sympathy on me.
They will feel pity about me, and this won't help!
I do feel happy when I smile at others.
But the problem is, do they really happy when they see me with a smile?
I have no answers for this, because I ain't a mind reader.
Perhaps, I've been thinking too much.
Someday, I have to get through these.
I have to continue on fighting for my life, do not give up until I have the last breathe.
I am on my own now, everything is possible with both legs standing still.
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